| Jacintha Rassendren explains why it is important for parents to find joy in their children’s achievements rather than stress on their failings. |
It was the last day of the school year. I had stacked up on my table all the report cards, the final achievement statements of my little ones, most of whom were five year-olds and whose biggest dreams are to be able to spell and pronounce the word ‘bring’ correctly, or not mix up the lines when they add up, or write neatly.
I smile to myself on a good and fruitful year gone by with many in that class doing splendidly well. They could read clearly, speak uninhibitedly, count well, share deeply and above all, wonder about the great big world ahead with a sense of eagerness.
They came in one at a time, pretty, proper and parents in tow. In came one little lady, smiling. She was one of my best students. I nodded with great happiness and said:
“Great! Absolutely great!!” I patted her back in unhesitant assurance, as I handed out her marks card. She picked it up, her smile broadening further to include the bright skies.
She had scored a 494/500 with full scores in three of her five subjects and 98 and 96 in the other two. She then turned around with great pride to look up earnestly at her parents expecting to be hugged and congratulated for her special achievement and for her doubtless hard work.
Instead, she was met with a frown. Her parents pointed to the 96 and 98, as if they were low scores and complained: “You missed a 100 in these two.” Her face fell, her sunshine smile had vanished into a dark cloud; she suddenly seemed all lost and profoundly disturbed. In her parent’s eyes, she was a loser — a damned soul swimming in a pool of ‘inability’. She was dumbfounded; her success had turned bitter and her emotional pain, incalculable. The emotional scar was visible on her face.
What is it in parents that make them live out their dreams of success in and through the intellectual and emotional growth of their little children? Do they cherish them at all for the struggle the young ones go through? School is never easy for five-year olds. It is a major challenge for them — physically, emotionally, intellectually.
Every time parents meet teachers to discuss their child’s progress, there are other enquires that are equally cruel and shocking. “Any complaints Miss?” they would ask. “Is she good? Must we correct her, Miss?”
There is a pre-set tone of negativity that allow parents to believe that their child is up to no good in school. Even if there are behavioural corrections to be made, the teacher cannot be quizzed about them in front of the child. The teacher would simply not share that kind of information before the child. It would be absurd on the teacher’s part to do so.
There are serious problems of attitude among parents. First, it is their attitude to success. Parents today have turned cut-throat competitive. Given the emerging social and economic scenarios with high and stressful competition at workplaces, the fear that their children will not match up begins early.
It forces them to get pushy and to impose immense pressure on their children regarding curricular and extra-curricular endeavours so early that the child is deprived of the opportunity to grow up on his own. There are those who fill their child’s day-to-day schedule with academic tuitions, music lessons and sports activities, irrespective of their child’s interests or motivations.
Some parents also attempt to fulfill their lost or failed dreams through the successful endeavours of the child. There is emotional cruelty when parents disrespect their child’s right to grow into their own. It substitutes the child’s success for the adult’s lack of fulfillment. It impacts the child negatively as it surrogates adult desires for the child’s development.
Second, the child endures indiscernible emotional trauma, when pounded with negativism of all kinds — messages of inadequacy, insufficiency and inability. Negative energy of this nature cuts off positive vibes for individual growth. It also impacts the child physiologically. It is often said that a positive stroke — a pat, a smile, a hug — does produce thousands of positive cells in the body and enthuse the physiology to step up growth.
Unredeemable hurt
Those negative messages remain in the psyche and into adulthood and demonstrate themselves in often reactionary behaviour in the future. More importantly, growing up becomes a burden and children’s need to prove themselves all the time makes them immeasurably unproductive. Children, in order to succeed on account of their parents, end up getting involved in violent activities in order to appear powerful or able. So what then must we do as parents?
*Enjoy children as they are, cherish their special moments and remain involved with their small and significant endeavours. For the child that learns to walk, undertakes great emotional and physical labour.
*Support and develop their interests and motivations without being pushy or overwhelming. Children need to be corrected but it shouldn’t be coercive.
Warmly treasure their every little achievement, hug them; treasure their joys and reassure them when they turn sorrowful
*Avoid forcing them into activities they are not interested in and encourage them in others they are enthusiastic about.
*Do not devalue them in public, especially before their peers with harsh words that make them feel like underachievers.
*Stop sending out negative vibes; they will never respect them because it will make them defiant and indifferent.
*Above all else, smile — it will change their lives forever.
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